Songs Of Forgetting
by yanizoid
Summary: "I'm more than memory, I am what might be, I am mystery." "I'm what you want me to be, and I'm your worst fear." {au. next to normal fused with the thirty-nine clues.}
1. I Am The One

_are you hurting, are you healing, are you hoping for a life to live? well, so am i._

* * *

It came to the point where Ian has gone completely mental.

"She's not here, Ian," Amy said. She gave him a pained look because she was hurting just as much as Ian was, for she also lost Dan in the same car accident he and Natalie got themselves into eight months ago.

"She is, Amy! Can't you see her?! She's right there!" Ian screamed for the umpteenth time in the past four months. Amy flinched and sighed. Ever since they lost their siblings, Ian slowly started having mental issues. She didn't think that issues are contagious, but she had the same mental issues (she hated saying problems because it was too much of a word for her) and instability for months, and had no one but Ian by her side. She had no one left but him to look after her, not since everyone was terrified of her and her state, and she was grateful that he stuck by her side.

Little did she know that he was slowly descending into a distraught state of mind as well, due to Amy's dark thoughts filling his head and translating themselves into delusions so close, yet so far from his reach.

_'Don't listen to her, Ian,'_ Natalie whispered.

"Look at me," Amy said.

_'Look at me,'_ Natalie said at the same time.

Ian shook his head. He didn't know who to listen to - he didn't want to know who to listen to.

Amy said, "The doctor said that this is just a phase because you lost Natalie."

Natalie scoffed and shook her head at Amy.

_'I am the one who knows you,'_ Natalie said. She extended her hand for him to grab.

"I am the one who cares," Amy told him. She held his hand. He shook it off and looked back and forth between Amy and Natalie.

"Tell me what to do," Amy pleaded. "Tell me what to do to help you, Ian."

_'Look at me,'_ Natalie repeated.

"Look at her," Ian told Amy. He pointed a finger to where Natalie was standing and Amy obliged so she won't anger him. She saw the burgundy-colored furniture instead of a beautiful olive-skinned girl and sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time that day.

Amy's emerald eyes met Ian's amber ones when she turned back. He raised an eyebrow at her expectantly and her lips formed a thin line. Ian didn't need to hear anything from her - she didn't see Natalie. Ian fumed.

"She's there, Amy! She's right behind you!" Ian said.

Amy was taken aback by Ian's words. Those were the same ones Dan had told her when she was going through this situation._ 'I'm alive,'_ Dan said._ 'I'm right behind you.'_

Natalie's anger started to boil._ 'Why can't you see?'_ she fumed.

"I can see you," Ian replied. "I can see you, Natalie, don't get angry."

Amy started feeling hopeless. Was it like this when she was in his situation?

"Ian, she died in a car accident eight months ago. Remember when we both laughed when Dan announced that he and Natalie were going on a date?" Amy said. "They collided with a truck the night after he told us - the night of their first date."

"You always say that," Ian said. He gritted his teeth and looked at Natalie.

_'Are you waiting, are you wishing, are you wanting all that she can give, Ian?'_ Natalie asked. He shook his head in response. "She can't give anything," Ian replied.

It was then Amy started to get angry. She knew that he was referring to her. "If you think that I don't give a damn, you just don't know who I am!" she said._ I'm holding on, Ian,_ Amy thought.

"Let me go," Ian said. Amy's grip on his hand became tighter.

"I won't let go," Amy replied.

"Let me go!" Ian shouted.

"I want you to know," Amy said. "I am the one who cried, Ian. For you, for Dan, for Natalie. We were the ones who watched while they died. They were in the hospital, remember? They were beside each other; they were talking, we were there. I was the one who loved you, and I was the one you loved when we lost them."

Ian stared at her. She was shaking, and she was in the verge of tears. Despite his mental instability, he still remembered that this was how he knew that Amy was in the dark void that was filled with anger and sadness. The same look she had when Natalie and Dan died.

Then he started to remember.

"Intersection 25," Ian said slowly. Amy started to brighten. Natalie looked at her brother sadly.

"9:34 in the evening," Amy said. "Go on, what else can you remember?"

"Ambulance. Police station. White room. Big gash. Natalie's cheek."

"What else?"

"She said, I'll see you soon. Then the defeaning sound of a flat line. Then another flat line."

_Dan's flat line,_ Amy thought sadly.

Amy waited for the next item Ian would say, but he shook his head.

"It hurts to remember," Amy said. Ian only nodded in response as the memories slowly filled his mind. "Can you still see her?" she asked.

Ian looked over Amy's shoulder and caught what looked like Natalie waving a goodbye to him, but it was gone before he could blink. "No," Ian said, but it was clear that he was still distraught.

"That's okay," Amy said. "It'll be okay soon."

* * *

_Edited - Thank you so much to musiclover3 and Illuminating Flames for pointing out my mistakes in my tenses! I must not have noticed it because I rushed this a bit - which meant that I rushed the publishing of this story as well. I fixed the summary, but the words inside the brackets are stylized in lowercase letters because that is the format I've decided to use in my following summaries and it is the way Next to Normal's stylized as. Lastly, to avoid any questions about the following chapter, I really did intend to put Ian's story first (with hints of Amy's story), just so I could bend the usual way of writing a little bit._


	2. I'm Alive

_if you won't grieve me, you won't leave me behind._

* * *

_eight months before_

The first things that Amy saw when she opened her eyes were cream colored walls, a white duvet at her feet, and Sinead's sorrowful face looking at her. When she turned, she found her other friends/(distant) cousins as well, their faces contorted in sorrow and sympathy. Amy stared at them in confusion.

Then she heard Dan say,_ 'Hey, Ames!'_

"Dan!" she called. "There you are!" She tried to get out of bed to reach out to him, but her cousins held her down. Amy glared at them and said, "What the hell, guys?"

Ian could only shake his head. He seemed to be in even more pain than the others were.

"Amy," Hamilton said. "He's dead, remember?"

_'No, I'm alive!'_ Dan said. Amy looked at him and smiled. He's just playing another prank on her.

"You nearly killed yourself right after he died," Sinead added.

"You ran out of the hospital and took pills," Ian said sadly. "You could've died. You went into a coma."

"Nine days days," Ted told her. "Just in time for their funeral."

"Their? Funeral?" Amy asked. She shook her head, aghast and scared. Were her cousins going crazy? Was this another nightmare? What were they talking about?

"Dan and Natalie's funeral. We decided to have them buried beside each other. They would've liked that," Sinead replied.

"Dan wouldn't like that, he wouldn't want to be buried alive!" Amy protested. Sinead looked at her in shock and confusion.

"I know that you're all playing along with Dan in his stupid prank. He just wants me to think that I'm going mental. Look, he's behind Jonah!" Amy said. They all shook their heads.

"You guys, he's there!" Amy yelled. Sinead shook her head again. Her eyes started to water. _This can't be happening,_ Sinead thought. _My best friend can't be going mental._

"Amy -" Hamilton started to say, but she cut him off. _"No!"_ she yelled. "You're lying! You're all lying! He's still alive, he's in this room, and he's laughing because he knows that the prank is working."

Her friends/cousins looked at each other, dismay clear on their faces. "We should stop, before she gets distressed," Jonah suggested. "The service starts in an hour."

They all nodded, not even bothering to comment on Jonah for not going on 'gangsta mode' like how he always does, even in days like this.

"I'm staying," Ian announced. They all looked at him in shock. For awhile, they were all silent. "Are you sure?" Sinead asked.

"Come on, man. It's your sister's funeral, too," Hamilton said.

"Don't you want to see her for the last time?" Ned added.

"I get your point," Ian said. "But this is Dan's funeral, too. I don't want to mourn without Amy; it's not fair."

The rest of them grumbled, but nodded anyway.

"At least make it to the burial," Ted told him.

Ian nodded and said, "I'll do my best."

* * *

When they left, Amy looked at him. "What was that all about?" she asked.

"Amy, they weren't lying when they said that Daniel's gone," Ian said, pain coming back in his voice. Dan scoffed.

"Ha-ha, you're so funny," Amy said, deadpanned. She was starting to get exasperated and ticked off.

_'I'm alive,'_ Dan repeated. _'I'm right behind you.'_

Amy looked over her shoulder and Dan ran off to the next corner in her room, just to annoy her. "Hey, stop running so fast! You might get an asthma attack - again!"

Dan stuck his tongue out. _'I'm all this time, and forever young!' _he sang. Amy shook her head. She turned to Ian and said, "See? He's here!"

Ian looked around the room, in hopes that Amy's spirits would lift...

...And in false hope of finding Natalie there. He almost thought that he saw his sister wave at him. I'm being silly, Ian thought. Of course she's not here.

"Did you see him?" Amy asked. Ian shook his head. Amy sighed.

"He must be running towards the next room. He always usually hides in the library when he does his pranks," she said.

_'I'm your worst fear,'_ Dan said in his signature monster impression. _'And I am your darkest nightmare too.'_

Amy shook her head at Dan. "That monster impression doesn't work anymore, Dan."

"You have to forget him, Amy," Ian said. "Or, at least the thought of him alive."

_'He says forget, but I'll remind you!' _Dan exclaimed. Amy laughed at Ian.

"Why would I want to forget the fact that my brother's alive?" she asked. "You're so silly, Ian. Are you okay?"

Ian inhaled and exhaled. "Intersection 25, Amy," he said. "They died at 9:34 pm."

Amy and Dan scoffed at Ian.

_'I'm alive, I am death defied!'_ Dan sang. He stood on Amy's desk and did a superhero stance.

"Get down from there, Dan! Don't even try stepping on my copy of Pride and Prejudice!" Amy said. Dan grinned and jumped down from her desk.

Ian sighed. "Come on, get your best black dress. I've had enough of this."

"Fine, but just so I get back at Dan! Two can play that game, Dan!" Amy shouted.

She picked out what Ian identified as something part of Valentino's latest fall/winter collection. _Natalie's dress right now is part of the same collection,_ Ian thought sadly.

"What do you think?" Amy asked shyly.

Ian smiled and said, "You look lovely." He extended his arm for her to take.

Dan sneered in disgust and Amy laughed at his expression. "Why are you laughing?" Ian asked.

"Dan finds this little thing between us disgusting. It's funny seeing his face like that," she replied. Ian smiled sadly and they walked out the door.

When they reached the service, they were a minute too late. Ian looked pained, and Amy looked like she was about to burst into fits of giggles. Dan even prepared a fake funeral, with mourners and a priest! she thought. Ian lightly pulled her as the walked towards Dan and Natalie's graves, but Amy didn't look down. She could only see her brother sing _'I'm alive, I'm alive, I am death defied!' _once more and she watched him laugh. He looked at her with a mischievous glint in his eyes and she shook her head. Ian had seen this and he held her hand tighter.

_She'll be okay soon,_ Ian thought to himself. _I'll have my old Amy back soon._

Little did he know that he would be in the same situation four months later.


End file.
